Are we weak? Easily controlled? Stupid?
I don't think so... I think we are strong, kind and loving.
Why do you stay? Not because you're too weak to leave... It's because you can't imagine hurting them! HURTING THEM? Yes, hurting them! That's right the same person that hurts us... Daily, Weekly, Monthly... Year after Year. We can't stand the thought of causing them any pain by leaving them, so we sacrifice ourselves.
Is this right? NOOOOOOOOOO, It is certainly not right... But it also does not make us weak or stupid!
It makes our hearts TOO BIG!!!
But we (Big Hearted Women) deserve the same in return. LEAVE (They are hurting themselves) YOU/we are not the ones hurting them.
Take care of yourself. The man that is worth it; wouldn't let anyone hurt you including himself.
If you don't mean enough to yourself to leave...Find something that makes it important for you to leave. Make someone or something more important than your abuser... Then your self worth will follow. (My BIG wake up call..The thing that was more important than me or him...MY SON) I thank God for him everyday - for he saved my life.
SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
http://cindyvine.hubpages.com/hub/How-do-I-know-if-I-am-in-an-abusive-relationship
Friday, February 3, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
You NEVER know what someone is going through
I can’t take it anymore!
I’m screaming inside.
I stand behind you in the grocery store line
You don’t know me and I’m glad that you don’t
Or you might see what I hope no one won’t
I might smile and laugh at a little, smart joke
But inside I am dying with an invisible choke
My insides scream to be saved, but my face just won’t show it
Even if I want to beg and plead for your help
I feel like he’s there silencing my yelp
The weight of my fear power my moves
I watch were I step, I watch what I choose
My hair is in place and make up covering my bruise
If I ask you for help I still feel as though I will lose
Please don’t be rude even though I look fine
Cause you never know inside what someone is holding
I might be upset and scared from a two hour scolding
You finish your transaction and walk away
You turn to tell me have a nice day
A smile and a nod is all that I give
Not because I am rude, but I am consumed with how I will live
You go home and enjoy your nice life
I’m fighting for mine as I return to the strife
We never know what someone is going through or what they have overcome.
***The lady that just cut you off might be consumed with tears heading back to her abusive home and can barley breath while she drives to make it there in time before she upsets her husband for being five minutes late.
***The snippy lady at the supermarket might be dreading her return home wondering if tonight she might get a beating.
Extend patience and kindness to others because we never know when someone might need it the most.
Friday, January 27, 2012
The Power of The Pen...
Write down what you ARE feeling!
Then write down what you WANT to feel................. Do they match up?
An excerpt from my book (in progress)...
As I begin to wake from almost a decade of dreams spiralling out of control into my rear viewed reality I realize there is no turning back, no re-does, no real second chances. You never get to erase your past or the metaphorical scars it leaves on you that might as well be deep, profound gashes along the side of your cheek. Cuts that still seem to throb when the weather changes or someone finally sees you at a weak moment; a rare moment, where the past takes over and weather relevant to your current situation or not you take down the perfect mask to unveil the real you, the scared and broken you. It’s heartbreaking when everything everyone has been telling you for years hits you like a ton of bricks and you begin thinking, “If I had of just heeded the educated, experienced warnings of my piers and elders life could have been so different; so much easier.”
We don’t though; listen to our elders, or even let it begin to sink in and become some of our forethought. Instead I am left with afterthought; hindsight as everyone calls it, an aftermath from the outrageous tsunami that I allowed to become my existence. I believed I was swimming in an ocean that all were use to, that all swam in and knew well. Sure; I would grow tired or weary at times, but I would stop and take a breath and keep on swimming, so I thought. To all outsiders it was clear that I was drowning and even though they could see my head peak above water at times it wouldn’t be long before I would slip back under for awhile before finally emerging completely. Now as I wash up on shore to work towards stabling my feet I feel shame, embarrassment and extremely exposed that so many witnessed me lose control of my life when I was certain I had been in charge of my destiny the entire time. Only now can I see the truth of it all. The overwhelming notion that I have washed back up on shore battered, bruised and naked for all to see sickens me as heat flashes across my face when only a small fraction of the poor choices I made enter my conscience mind.
With the periodic rocking I still experience much like once exiting a boat and having to adjust back to land; I am ashamed and saddened for the path I have journeyed. Why didn’t I take pride in myself? Why didn’t I love myself or those around me enough to make the changes I needed to? How could I have allowed myself and another to damage my spirit so badly? How come I didn’t realize I was in such a mess? How will I recover now that my true reality has set in? Will I like who I find through my process? Am I aggressive by nature or has that been a defence tactic used to make sure that every ounce of what I could possibly have control of; I did, so to ensure that disappointment would longer enter my life? Am I kind, thoughtful and giving like so many have viewed me or simply just desperate for someone to think kindly of me and be blinded to the scars of my unsightly choices? Life has to start at some point; real life, no matter how scary the path. Now at twenty six I begin to walk mine; or in this case, crawl.
Then write down what you WANT to feel................. Do they match up?
An excerpt from my book (in progress)...
As I begin to wake from almost a decade of dreams spiralling out of control into my rear viewed reality I realize there is no turning back, no re-does, no real second chances. You never get to erase your past or the metaphorical scars it leaves on you that might as well be deep, profound gashes along the side of your cheek. Cuts that still seem to throb when the weather changes or someone finally sees you at a weak moment; a rare moment, where the past takes over and weather relevant to your current situation or not you take down the perfect mask to unveil the real you, the scared and broken you. It’s heartbreaking when everything everyone has been telling you for years hits you like a ton of bricks and you begin thinking, “If I had of just heeded the educated, experienced warnings of my piers and elders life could have been so different; so much easier.”
We don’t though; listen to our elders, or even let it begin to sink in and become some of our forethought. Instead I am left with afterthought; hindsight as everyone calls it, an aftermath from the outrageous tsunami that I allowed to become my existence. I believed I was swimming in an ocean that all were use to, that all swam in and knew well. Sure; I would grow tired or weary at times, but I would stop and take a breath and keep on swimming, so I thought. To all outsiders it was clear that I was drowning and even though they could see my head peak above water at times it wouldn’t be long before I would slip back under for awhile before finally emerging completely. Now as I wash up on shore to work towards stabling my feet I feel shame, embarrassment and extremely exposed that so many witnessed me lose control of my life when I was certain I had been in charge of my destiny the entire time. Only now can I see the truth of it all. The overwhelming notion that I have washed back up on shore battered, bruised and naked for all to see sickens me as heat flashes across my face when only a small fraction of the poor choices I made enter my conscience mind.
With the periodic rocking I still experience much like once exiting a boat and having to adjust back to land; I am ashamed and saddened for the path I have journeyed. Why didn’t I take pride in myself? Why didn’t I love myself or those around me enough to make the changes I needed to? How could I have allowed myself and another to damage my spirit so badly? How come I didn’t realize I was in such a mess? How will I recover now that my true reality has set in? Will I like who I find through my process? Am I aggressive by nature or has that been a defence tactic used to make sure that every ounce of what I could possibly have control of; I did, so to ensure that disappointment would longer enter my life? Am I kind, thoughtful and giving like so many have viewed me or simply just desperate for someone to think kindly of me and be blinded to the scars of my unsightly choices? Life has to start at some point; real life, no matter how scary the path. Now at twenty six I begin to walk mine; or in this case, crawl.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Time For Support and Understanding
No matter how long you have been in an abusive relationship or out of the abusive relationship the tears still flow the same.
***No one seems to understand how anybody could fall victim of this pain filled love. Outsidersalways typically have a more clear view then the insider; this is true, however I do not feel this way when it comes to domestic violence. There is no way for an outsider to comprehend what one goes through in an abusive relationship unless that outsiders themselves have travelled the same path and came out of the maze at the other end.
***My Hopes - Help others heal - Help others end their journey in their abusive maze.
Maze? Why do I call it this? Anyone who is POST abusive relationship can understand this. Anyone Currently in the relationship hopefully will understand soon - and anyone lucky enough to never have entered this "fun house" hopefully will only gain some insight by reading these posts.
Maze - Smoke and Mirrors - Confusion - Anxiety - Doubt - Misdirected
Movies and Lifetime shows often paint a picture of right and wrong. (From what I have seen) However; for someone in the relationship right and wrong becomes flipped. The abuser typically places the blame on the one's they abuse. "If you wouldn't have said this" or "You make me so crazy" or the ever so popular tear filled apology that starts to mean nothing because you receive this same tear filled apology each time you are abused. The abuse cycle can be confusing, cause anxiety, doubt within ourselves and lives.
***The only one way; we the abused believe to IMMEDIATELY feel some relief from the pain caused by the person we love is to be held by the person who hit, beat and put us down. This is why women get caught in the vicious cycle of abuse. The pain is so horrific that we seek out immediate relief; even though it is not the right thing to do, it offers a numbing affect.
*** I want to provide that numbing affect. I want all woman who have and are going through this to stand together and give each other the numbing affect so that we can walk away from our abusers and say "NO MORE"
I DID IT! SO CAN YOU!
About Battered Woman Syndrome
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battered_person_syndrome
***No one seems to understand how anybody could fall victim of this pain filled love. Outsiders
***My Hopes - Help others heal - Help others end their journey in their abusive maze.
Maze? Why do I call it this? Anyone who is POST abusive relationship can understand this. Anyone Currently in the relationship hopefully will understand soon - and anyone lucky enough to never have entered this "fun house" hopefully will only gain some insight by reading these posts.
Maze - Smoke and Mirrors - Confusion - Anxiety - Doubt - Misdirected
Movies and Lifetime shows often paint a picture of right and wrong. (From what I have seen) However; for someone in the relationship right and wrong becomes flipped. The abuser typically places the blame on the one's they abuse. "If you wouldn't have said this" or "You make me so crazy" or the ever so popular tear filled apology that starts to mean nothing because you receive this same tear filled apology each time you are abused. The abuse cycle can be confusing, cause anxiety, doubt within ourselves and lives.
***The only one way; we the abused believe to IMMEDIATELY feel some relief from the pain caused by the person we love is to be held by the person who hit, beat and put us down. This is why women get caught in the vicious cycle of abuse. The pain is so horrific that we seek out immediate relief; even though it is not the right thing to do, it offers a numbing affect.
*** I want to provide that numbing affect. I want all woman who have and are going through this to stand together and give each other the numbing affect so that we can walk away from our abusers and say "NO MORE"
I DID IT! SO CAN YOU!
About Battered Woman Syndrome
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battered_person_syndrome
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